The acceptable form of disordered eating

September 14, 2008 at 8:00 pm 2 comments

Whenever I visit my parents for an extended period of time (say, an overnight stay), usually there is participation in some sort of fast food. I used to heartily enjoy this, and so did my cushy 314-pound rump. But now? I have a great excuse to not eat, well, anything, without reprimand: I can’t, it’ll make me dump.

So, as everyone enjoys their burger/nuggets/fries, I sit in the corner and eat my little cup of yogurt, or my little cup of Fat Free Anything. Or I sip my water. And this got me thinking about my bizarre eating habits, my total stray from eating like a Normal Person. When I think about it? It’s kind of sick.

I’ve fallen into these rituals. In my head, I consider a “good day” where I eat less than 1,000 calories and consume at least 80 grams of protein. A bad day? When I eat anything else. I feel guilty, for simply being human every now and then and eating a bit of “real” dessert or going out for a chicken sandwich–and not even a fried one.

That, my dear, is pretty messed up. It’s hardwired into my brain to eat like an anorexic person. And when I think about it? Many of us, as WLS patients, are trained to eat this way, to be this golden standard of success, to stick up your nose to Bad Foods from here on out. What has that left me with? Guilt.

I feel like I’ve failed miserably as RNY’er if I take a bite of anything not containing “fat free” or “sugar free” on the label. I think that denying myself these things (if tolerated) for eternity will build up to one, big, gut-busting (literally) binge. At the same time, I’m not saying that you should eat whatever you want, whenever. I did that before–that’s what got me to 314 pounds in the first place. There’s a healthy balance, I think.

I just find it ironic that people praise me for my “control” and “success” in eating. Yeah, it’s something, all right. But if I had not had surgery, and lost the weight by eating exactly the way I eat now–with a normal belly? They’d probably be sending me off to the local eating disorder unit.


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Blogging for life Where she thinks about her 7 sets of measuring cups…

2 Comments Add your own

  • 1. Tiptoe  |  September 15, 2008 at 9:33 pm

    I happened to find your blog browsing the internet. You are right that society does seem to find the idea of restrained eating acceptable. It only reinforces the fact that this is okay when it is not at all. Guilt, thinking, feeling anguish over eating a cookie is NOT normal.

    I have not gone through your situation, but I do know of other people who have, and the mentality of such strict eating can go overboard and really can become eating disordered. I hope you are getting some help dealing with all this.

  • 2. Griffin H. Bat  |  September 16, 2008 at 11:36 pm

    Tiptoe: thank you for your kind words. I agree with you. Society doesn’t pick up on the fact that, hey, just because we *payed* to be cut open so we’d eat this way–it can seriously go overboard into fearful obsession, but that’s always skimmed over because of the sudden appearance of “health”.


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Griffin H. Bat was very, very fat. She had WLS in 2007 and has gone from 314 pounds to 120ish, and often wonders where her mind went along with all that gooey adipose matter. Even with new guts, she still thinks about cupcakes and their confectionary goodness. She feels like a bear that has lost its stuffing, but she won't hesitate to tell you how lovely you are.

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